after having two consecutive VERY crappy days, seeing 6 comments on my blogger was probably the highlight of my day (sad right?). but thanks to all you people who have commented. minus derk. cuz he's a jerk. he always has to correct me and prove he's smarter than me. haha, man, i miss you. i miss fighting with you. and LAURIE! oh man! i miss you girl!!!! i can't wait to see you over break. we're goin to have a blast.

anywho, yeah, so friday nite and saturday was probably the worst days i've ever had here. to the point where i was set on going back to rutgers. man, friday nite i probably cried for 2-3 hours straight and i was all ready to tell my parents the next morning that i was goin to rutgers for sure. i still kinda feel like that but i feel like i need to give UIUC a try. Tim, another freshman from my sg, encouraged me a lot to like it here... he did it in a weird way, but he did it all the same. i'm gonna try, but it's so freakin hard. i've got it set in my head that i hate this place, i hope something breaks the idea of it. i just don't see why i should stay anymore...

Trust is a big issue for me lately. i used to have trouble trusting "Guys" but a really easy time trusting friends.... and now.. i just can't trust anyone. i don't know why i'm having such a hard time opening up to people. back in nj, i used to be an open book... in a bad way. and now, i just don't feel like sharing myself at all. i don't care for people to get to know me. i don't know what's goin on with me. i honestly hope that i'm not goin to be like this forever. thanksgiving will do me well... i foresee myself crying a lot... happy tears when i see my friends.... SUPER SAD tears when i leave... *sigh*


SG is probably the only thing keeping me alive right now. whenever i'm around them my worries go away. i had an awesome time with them this week. if it weren't for them, man, i dunno what i'd be like.

out of all the ways i thought college would be... i NEVER thought it'd be like this. what i'm scared is... what if this is what college is like and i'm just SUPER uncontent? what if i do go to rutgers and it's still like this? maybe it's me that has to change... i dunno why tim said the things he said, but it spoke to me a lot. ARGH

haha, ok, i'm just ranting. i have a lot of hours of studying ahead of me right now and i just have to clear my head. i should probly do this on the phone with someone instead but i don't have the time for that. lata people....