so i'm finally at home. it's pretty bittersweet. i got a job in NYC and went in for the first day today and it was really good. tiring, but i learned a lot.

i've been thinking a lot lately about my future. more specifically, the family i want when i grow up. honestly, marriage right now seems pretty far down the road but for some reason, i can't stop thinking about it. i wish we could pick and choose and make a perfect husband you know? i've made a pretty decent sized list of what i want in a husband, and then narrowed it down to some absolute musts... i ended up with 6, which is pretty impressive since i started out with 34. hehe. yes, i am usually voted to be the first one married and the one to have the most kids... but i don't know. i think i have to pass on that one... hand the baton to someone else. hehe. i just don't see marriage anytime soon. of course i would want to... but i guess i need to give it time, eh?

so why all this thinking about the future? hehe... getting a job has one thing to do with it. it made me realize how fast i'm growing up and how close i am to getting to the point where i should become pretty independent.

i guess in the end i just want someone to care for me as much as i care for them. equally. i've been on both ends... caring for someone and not really receiving the same love back hurts... i guess i am pretty picky about who to love and who know to, but when i choose to love someone... i have to say that i love them A LOT. when i'm not given the same thing back, i guess it takes me a while to get over it. i guess i'm not much for unconditional love =T. something i should work on. i don't want to love someone too little either...just cause i wouldn't want that for me either. i guess when i find that one that loves me just as much as i love him.. i guess that's when i will begin to fully trust someone. i'm excited for that day =).

i guess thinking about all this has lead me to thinking about God... and how much i've neglected him. you know, i'm always thinking "love me more, love me more". that's probably how god is with me everyday. and the thing is.. He's provided me with so much. this past week, God has directly touched my life. i really have an amazing testimony that i am willing to share if you want to hear =), but yeah... God is probably always saying to me "sheila, love me more. show me you care"... but despite how much he calls me, my love is never efficient compared to his unbounding love.. and that's what's so great about it. when a friend or someone close to me doesn't care for me like i do for them, i tend to get really upset and do things out of spite. but god? he is merciful and works in miraculous ways even when i don't answer to Him. God is good. =)